richardiii 1st generation author

so, i had to attend this client meeting, which i normally wouldn't go to, but they wanted my input on some questions. and there was this client i'd known for ages, super good at his job, but for some weird reason we just never clicked. you know how sometimes you just don't vibe with someone for no apparent reason? that was us.

while we're talking through his questions, his phone keeps ringing. he kept apologizing and either silencing it or declining calls. then when it rang again, he said, "i need to take this one."

as soon as he started talking, it became clear to everyone at the table that it was his daughter on the line... and get this: right there at the meeting table, this guy said "i love you" three times with the most adorable smile on his face. yep, it was a short conversation, just a few seconds, but he said "i love you" three whole times.

from that moment on, i don't know if i managed to hide how impressed i was, but all my prejudices about him just vanished into thin air. on top of the respect i already had for his professional success, a whole bunch of new feelings got added to the mix.

when i left the room, i found myself thinking: when was the last time i told my own kids i loved them out loud? and i'll admit, i couldn't remember. feeling a bit ashamed, i immediately tried to call them both. neither of them picked up (probably in class). but i was determined, i'll tell them when they're out, and i'm not stopping there. from now on, i'm saying it every single day, no matter what.

"i love you" is such a magical phrase - even just hearing someone else say it to someone else makes the world feel more beautiful somehow. loving fathers, loved daughters, loving partners, loved friends, loving mothers, loved sons; what a beautiful little detail in life, amidst all the horrible things going on in the world.

if you love someone, tell them. say it often, while you can. that's what i'll be doing from now on.

i'm sitting in my favorite armchair in the living room, staring blankly at the wall in front of me. i turn on the radio, keeping the volume low. these days, my head can't handle loud music anymore. the song playing doesn't matter - i just want some background noise, that's all.

i'm thinking... what am i going to do now? what will the new city be like? when will i actually start following through on all these new decisions i've made? and so on.

just as i'm thinking these thoughts, the song on the radio changes. a moment ago, i had no idea what was playing, but now this rhythm feels so familiar. all the thoughts in my head disappear, and my entire attention is caught in the song's rhythm. in the singer's voice, in the breaths between sentences.

thank you, radio. thank you, tom waits. once again, all my thoughts have drifted away. once more, i've been swept up in the rhythms, and tonight, i've forgotten everything.

here i am, writing this entry with teary eyes in the early morning because of this game. i was already loaded with unnecessary emotions tonight. i figured i'd log into the game, do some random quest or whatever, just to distract my mind.

i was rescuing this guy from the dungeons during a mission. after saving him, i noticed there were other prisoners in the same dungeon. since i had rescued him in some random castle in the middle of nowhere, i thought i might as well save the others too. so i killed everyone in the castle, thinking "who's gonna feed these guys anyway?" then i unlocked all the cells, and they scattered everywhere.

i turned around and saw this nord guy - looked kinda scruffy but decent. i'd thrown some useless clothes from my inventory on the ground. suddenly, this dude jumps in front of me and says something like, "bro, sorry. if those clothes aren't important, could i take them? my stuff is a mess."

the screen gave me two dialogue options: "don't you dare touch my stuff" and "sure, bro. no problem." i let him take the clothes, and i swear his eyes just lit up. he immediately bent down, picked up all those crappy clothes i'd thrown away, put them on, and looked totally happy.

i saved the game and quit immediately. damn poverty, man.

this happened ages ago, i'd made plans to go to the tribeca film festival with a friend i met online. we exchanged phone numbers on msn and set a date for the film.

the next day, an hour before the meeting, i called to check our status. the phone was busy. i figured he must be working. while heading towards the cinema, i called again, still busy. i tried three or four more times, always busy.

after about five or six failed attempts, i was convinced i'd been ditched. my inner monologue went into overdrive, drafting the righteous lecture i'd deliver on messenger the next day. i started with responsibility, moved on to basic respect for others, and the more i thought about it, the angrier i got. my imagined speech got harsher with each step toward the cinema.

i'm walking to the cinema, fuming, when an unknown number calls. "hey, what's up? i'm at the cinema." i was completely stunned. my entire dramatic narrative just fell apart. then i checked the number i'd been calling. turns out, the number i saved from msn was my own number. yup, i'd been angrily calling myself the whole time.

sometimes i pull such epic stupidity and then get mad about it. sorry not sorry :/

even though i have zero interest in computers, technology, or programming, i've read both his book and many of the essays on his website, some of them even twice. he's an investor, programmer, and writer, and i feel like his essays touch on topics that appeal to a wide audience. but what stands out even more than the topics is the flow of logic in his writing. it's like watching a stone rolling downhill in the world of possibilities; every cause-and-effect relationship just falls into place naturally.

i absolutely admire the way this guy thinks. pay attention to how he analyzes problems in his talks. first, there's a "hmm," then he asks a few really simple, almost childlike questions; ones that others might dismiss as overly basic. but that's exactly how he comes up with objective analyses, unclouded by trends of the day. i don't recall him using many buzzwords, probably because he avoids thinking within the limits of meanings and values that people impose on words.

being caught between the "need" to fit into the life around us, (avoiding exclusion), and this surmountable "desire" to stay true to our essence gnawing at us inside is, i think one of the biggest problems we face. basically, what we want is at odds with what we need, rather than being complementary.

plus, this exclusion is serious and can be more devastating than a child being left out of a game. hence, we live in this strange `cancel culture `where exclusion is announced to everyone and their granny.

yet, the silent destruction happening within a person who cannot live authentically goes completely unnoticed, thus receiving no attention because it is invisible. it's a game we all know, but one we collectively agree to play in order to maintain our societal sanity at the detriment of our individual mental health.

so the question becomes the reverse: what are the biggest problems humans are having with modernity?