mervelek 1st generation author

i've always found this to be quirky about myself. i don't know why *, but whenever i feel sad and down, i tend to listen to happy/energetic songs. perhaps i'm trying to subconsciously protect myself from sinking any further.

the moment i'm happy though, all those restrictions and repressed emotions seem to come back like old friends, as if it's safe to listen to them now, and they're begging to be heard usually through sad music. honestly, i love sad music; it's my favorite. i don't even know if i truly like sad music for its own sake or because i listen to it when i'm happy, which might create a strong affiliation and bias towards it.

let me share my latest favorite: (see: 'belle' by slimane). i've always found this to be quirky about myself. i don't know why *, but whenever i feel sad and down, i tend to listen to happy/energetic songs. perhaps i'm trying to subconsciously protect myself from sinking any further.

the moment i'm happy though, all those restrictions and repressed emotions seem to come back like old friends, as if it's safe to listen to them now, and they're begging to be heard usually through sad music.

honestly, i love sad music; it's my favorite. i don't even know if i truly like sad music for its own sake or because i listen to it when i'm happy, which might create a strong affiliation and bias towards it. let me share my latest favorite: (see: 'belle' by slimane).

back then, when i was in college, everybody was talking about lost. i can't emphasize enough how much it helped all of us as juniors to socialize and get to know each other.

i was that quiet introvert who always sat in the back corner as my default, but it didn't take too long to loosen up thanks to everyone being super excited about the show and banging our heads together to figure out what it was trying to say, what's up with all those famous philosophers' names were given to those characters, what are those hidden messages and symbols were being dropped in every single episode was trying to point on?

this level of intimacy eventually led us to break the ice and talk about other important things in life, such as alias! another great show from jj abrams :)

now i see people harshly judging jj abrams and lost based on what we know today vs back then. that's unfair. it was a breath of fresh air and was done very well. *

now finally lost has come to netflix, which makes me think hard and long about going one more round after all those years. i'm scared to find out if i'll be still enjoying it even though knowing the entire storyline or if i'd feel that i just made a big deal out of it and it will not match my romanticized expectations of it. damn lost, there you go again, confusing the hell out of me!

being caught between the "need" to fit into the life around us, (avoiding exclusion), and this surmountable "desire" to stay true to our essence gnawing at us inside is, i think one of the biggest problems we face. basically, what we want is at odds with what we need, rather than being complementary.

plus, this exclusion is serious and can be more devastating than a child being left out of a game. hence, we live in this strange `cancel culture `where exclusion is announced to everyone and their granny.

yet, the silent destruction happening within a person who cannot live authentically goes completely unnoticed, thus receiving no attention because it is invisible. it's a game we all know, but one we collectively agree to play in order to maintain our societal sanity at the detriment of our individual mental health.

so the question becomes the reverse: what are the biggest problems humans are having with modernity?

the year was 2011, as soon as i heard about this play "richard iii" coming to istanbul which kevin spacey and sam mendes involved in, i started making plans to get two student tickets. *

tickets were going on sale at 10 am, so if i took the first bus at 6, i'd be able to join the queue. i overslept. i woke up at 8. i was devastated. i was so angry i nearly cried when i got up. but still, i managed to arrive early, thinking i could comfortably get in line... i was crushed to see at least 200 people ahead of me.

i kept counting the people in the queue while biting my nails, but refused to give up, so i waited. my love and i both really wanted to see the play, partly because of our admiration for both kevin spacey and sam mendes and partly because i dabble in amateur theater myself.

i made friends in the queue for 2 hours. i constantly tried to get news from the front of the line. finally, the moment came, the queue started moving. people started passing through, showing their tickets. there were 100 people left ahead of me. i could see the box office at last, but suddenly people started turning back. "tickets are sold out," was what we heard.

of the 100 people ahead of me, only two protested while the others dispersed, and the box office clerk called for the officials. after one or two phone calls, it turned out that the tickets weren't actually sold out, and there were even 30-40 tickets left. the box office was going to reopen. by this time, there were only 10 people ahead of me! the box office reopened, the 10 people in front of me each got their tickets, and i easily moved forward and got our two student tickets.

when we saw "row:3 seat:9" on our student ticket, my love and i joked, "they must have counted the seats from the back," and started waiting for the day. even if it was the 3rd row from the back, we'd be extremely happy, so we didn't even think about the ticket's location.

the day came, and the hall was in sight. almost everyone at the door was someone familiar from either tv or cinema. under normal circumstances, i'd bend over backward to talk to them if i saw them on the street, but i walked in without caring. *

i asked about the 3rd row. the staff gave us directions that almost made me lose my mind right there. the excitement was already at its peak; i was going to watch shakespeare performed by kevin spacey, and i was going to experience this from the 3rd row, in front!!

we were going crazy with happiness, but when we asked the people on the right and left, they said they paid crazy amounts plus used their influential connections to get those. we were going to die of happiness. we got them for dead cheap; we later learned that it was a favor from kevin spacey for students to afford the play.

the play started, the minor changes in kevin spacey's opening monologue and the images of current events in the background hinted at how the team interpreted richard iii. i watched the first act with my mouth watering.

but i couldn't get into the bootleg scene; i took a few photos and put my phone down when i made eye contact with kevin. at the end of the act, kevin spacey exited the stage by directly pointing out a spectator in the front rows. immediately, 15-20 staff members rushed in, the hall doors were closed, etc. apparently, someone was recording with a camera, and kevin spacey had seen them from the stage. an announcement was made, stating, "if a similar situation is noticed by the actors, the performance will be canceled."

the second act flowed by like water. i don't have the audacity to critique the play. let me just say this much: with this cast, this play has reached the pinnacle of theater. the music, the set, the costumes, the interpretation were all outstanding. the actors were beyond words. can a role fit a person this well?

i swear if kevin spacey came down from the stage and said, "i was actually richard iii, i've been fooling you all these years, i'm immortal," i would have believed it, to that extent. *

the things that stayed with me from the play: of course, the legendary "a horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse!" monologue, the actor playing henry tudor almost falling on stage, lord stanley's acting, the dialogue between lady anne and richard on stage, the ritual-like ceremony performed by all the actors playing drums on stage, and the perfect gray uniforms worn by the actors.

most importantly, due to the structure of the play, richard frequently interacted with the audience. i even saw kevin spacey looking directly at me sometimes, what more could i want??

tldr; those who left the line when they heard the tickets were sold out made the mistake of their lives. if they had waited, they would have seen the play. seeing kevin spacey in person from 10 meters away with direct interaction is already very rare, and the organizers made it even harder for everyone. this is one of those memories i'll cherish forever.

edit: it didn't seem this long when i was writing.*
the year was 2011, as soon as i heard about this play "richard iii" coming to istanbul which kevin spacey and sam mendes involved in, i started making plans to get two student tickets. *

tickets were going on sale at 10 am, so if i took the first bus at 6, i'd be able to join the queue. i overslept. i woke up at 8. i was devastated. i was so angry i nearly cried when i got up. but still, i managed to arrive early, thinking i could comfortably get in line... i was crushed to see at least 200 people ahead of me.

i kept counting the people in the queue while biting my nails, but refused to give up, so i waited. my love and i both really wanted to see the play, partly because of our admiration for both kevin spacey and sam mendes and partly because i dabble in amateur theater myself.

i made friends in the queue for 2 hours. i constantly tried to get news from the front of the line. finally, the moment came, the queue started moving. people started passing through, showing their tickets. there were 100 people left ahead of me. i could see the box office at last, but suddenly people started turning back. "tickets are sold out," was what we heard.

of the 100 people ahead of me, only two protested while the others dispersed, and the box office clerk called for the officials. after one or two phone calls, it turned out that the tickets weren't actually sold out, and there were even 30-40 tickets left. the box office was going to reopen. by this time, there were only 10 people ahead of me! the box office reopened, the 10 people in front of me each got their tickets, and i easily moved forward and got our two student tickets.

when we saw "row:3 seat:9" on our student ticket, my love and i joked, "they must have counted the seats from the back," and started waiting for the day. even if it was the 3rd row from the back, we'd be extremely happy, so we didn't even think about the ticket's location.

the day came, and the hall was in sight. almost everyone at the door was someone familiar from either tv or cinema. under normal circumstances, i'd bend over backward to talk to them if i saw them on the street, but i walked in without caring. *

i asked about the 3rd row. the staff gave us directions that almost made me lose my mind right there. the excitement was already at its peak; i was going to watch shakespeare performed by kevin spacey, and i was going to experience this from the 3rd row, in front!!

we were going crazy with happiness, but when we asked the people on the right and left, they said they paid crazy amounts plus used their influential connections to get those. we were going to die of happiness. we got them for dead cheap; we later learned that it was a favor from kevin spacey for students to afford the play.

the play started, the minor changes in kevin spacey's opening monologue and the images of current events in the background hinted at how the team interpreted richard iii. i watched the first act with my mouth watering.

but i couldn't get into the bootleg scene; i took a few photos and put my phone down when i made eye contact with kevin. at the end of the act, kevin spacey exited the stage by directly pointing out a spectator in the front rows. immediately, 15-20 staff members rushed in, the hall doors were closed, etc. apparently, someone was recording with a camera, and kevin spacey had seen them from the stage. an announcement was made, stating, "if a similar situation is noticed by the actors, the performance will be canceled."

the second act flowed by like water. i don't have the audacity to critique the play. let me just say this much: with this cast, this play has reached the pinnacle of theater. the music, the set, the costumes, the interpretation were all outstanding. the actors were beyond words. can a role fit a person this well?

i swear if kevin spacey came down from the stage and said, "i was actually richard iii, i've been fooling you all these years, i'm immortal," i would have believed it, to that extent. *

the things that stayed with me from the play: of course, the legendary "a horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse!" monologue, the actor playing henry tudor almost falling on stage, lord stanley's acting, the dialogue between lady anne and richard on stage, the ritual-like ceremony performed by all the actors playing drums on stage, and the perfect gray uniforms worn by the actors.

most importantly, due to the structure of the play, richard frequently interacted with the audience. i even saw kevin spacey looking directly at me sometimes, what more could i want??

tldr; those who left the line when they heard the tickets were sold out made the mistake of their lives. if they had waited, they would have seen the play. seeing kevin spacey in person from 10 meters away with direct interaction is already very rare, and the organizers made it even harder for everyone. this is one of those memories i'll cherish forever.

i think it all starts with the realization that the environment you're in or can access have an intellectual level that's lower than what you need or can tolerate.

it continues with you having to put in way too much effort to be understood and to express your ideas. eventually, you come to realize that you just can't change the stupidity surrounding you, which leads you to silence and to play a role for the sake of your social connections.

as a result, this role will start to wear you down over time, causing you to gradually withdraw and become isolated, but hey, at least you'll be free from all that baggage. a good deal? sometimes it's the best deal one can get, sometimes it's just not. we need socializing, and i'm not sure how long we can keep up like that.